What Dreams May Come
by nazkey
Summary: Lee deals with Kara's death post Maelstorm


**A/N** Written for the prompt "Green M&Ms" for pilots_presents on LJ

* * *

><p>Lee couldn't remember how he landed his bird. All he knew was that one minute, he was screaming as he watched Kara's viper explode and the next, he was being towed in and deckhands were scrambling to pop his canopy and get him out.<p>

He murmured his thanks to the crew and wobbled down the ladder, walking on shaking legs towards his father who was standing with his hands clasped behind his back, looking grim and determined.

He stood warily in front of the Admiral gauging his reaction.

"We'll get her back Lee. I'm going to send Athena out with a raptor …" Adama ground out, tears forming in his eyes.

"No, dad. She's gone. Her viper … her viper exploded. She didn't bail out. She's … gone." And with that, the force of what had just happened hit Lee and he had to fight to stand upright.

Adama stiffened and stepped away, his eyes turning cold. "I won't talk about this here Major. Go get cleaned up and meet me in my office. I want to know just what the frak happened out there and how you managed to lose our best pilot," he ground out.

* * *

><p>The next few days were a blur. After his briefing with the Admiral – where he'd been yelled at and chastised and worse, blamed, for Kara's death – Lee had wandered back to quarters, cleaned up and gone back to work. The Admiral hadn't seen fit to give him any time off. He was the CAG and was expected to go back to his duties making sure that he "didn't let anyone else die on his watch."<p>

So Lee shut everything down. He went through the motions of each day in a semi-daze. It was almost like an out of body experience, as if he was watching himself from above. Dee tried to get through, but even her calm presence didn't help, so she withdrew.

Everyone was giving him a wide berth. There were furtive glances and feeble attempts at offering comfort from some of the other pilots, but they were met with blank stares and "I'm fine. It's fine."

He felt empty. He had nothing to say, nothing to give. He'd tried to review the footage from his gun cameras, but couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't as if he'd forgotten it. He still saw the blast every time he closed his eyes and heard her softly asking him to let her go. He wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. Wasn't really talking to anyone. He was just … there.

The Admiral had expected him to fill out Kara's casualty report and Lee had stated the facts, "Pilot was dragged in by the gravitational forces of the storm and did not eject, refusing all commands to abort." It made it sound like it was Kara's fault. Like she had just disobeyed orders. Lee had turned in the form to Tigh, hiding the fact that he'd stolen her picture from her file and was keeping it in his pocket.

He walked through the memorial hallway every day, willing himself to keep his promise to Kara and place her photograph right next to Kat's. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Couldn't quite let her go … yet.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he envied his father (and Sam)) for being able to cry - to grieve. It's not that he couldn't accept Kara's death, it was just that he couldn't bring himself to _feel _anything. He was on autopilot; flying CAPs and filling out reports, taking care of his pilots, reading over supply and fuel schedules and working maintenance shifts.

* * *

><p>He felt her presence for the first time five days after the accident.<p>

He was sitting in the rec room going over the shift changes when he thought he heard her laugh. Startled, he looked up, but she wasn't there. On his way out, he saw a bowl of algae snacks and for some reason, the green "candy" reminded him of her. She used to love those tiny chocolates and Lee had a sudden image of her grabbing them by the fistful and shoving them in her mouth. He felt his heart clench and forcing down the growing lump in his throat left the rec room.

Two days later, he accidentally referred to Racetrack as Starbuck in his briefing. The stunned silence of the pilots and their understanding looks shook him to his core. He tamped it all down again and carried on.

It only got worse. He kept seeing glimpses of blonde hair in his periphery. Kept hearing her voice, her laugh. He chalked it up to stress and tried not to dwell on it, but secretly he craved those moments. Even if they were all in his head, it was still like having a piece of her with him. It was pathetic, but it was all he had.

* * *

><p>Romo Lampkin showed up with all the aplomb of an arrogant lawyer, and after yet another argument with the Admiral, Lee was forced to follow the erstwhile attorney around on his seemingly endless rambles throughout the ship.<p>

Their first few hours together didn't go well. Romo insisted on seeing Baltar in Lee's quarters and just the sight of that weasel sitting on his bed made Lee sick to his stomach. He felt the anger boiling up inside. From the minute the Admiral had effectively grounded him and put him on this bullshit detail, he'd started to seethe. Romo egged him on and when he compared Lee to a parade float for the bereaved, he lost it.

What did he know? What did this arrogant sonofabitch know?

Nothing.

He knew nothing about how Lee felt. He didn't know that Lee was barely functioning and was lost somewhere between his unacknowledged grief and his ever-present burdens of responsibility. Romo couldn't hear Kara's plea to let her go in his head. He just didn't understand.

No one did.

No one understood what it was like to be Lee frakking Adama, poster boy for the fleet, the perfect little soldier, the upholding citizen, clinging to ideals and rules, giving up everything – _everything_ – he had cared for just to stay within the boundaries of duty and honor. They didn't understand what it meant to lose the _one_ person who mattered in his dismal mockery of life. Not just to lose her, but to actually _watch _her die.

Lee was pissed. He was so angry he could've killed Romo on the spot. He wanted to punch someone, to hurt them, to make them feel what he felt.

And that was when he heard iher/i for the first time.

_"I really love it when you lose it like this Lee. Really. It's fun to see you let go."_

He snapped around at the sound of her voice, frantically looking for her. Romo stood there smirking and Lee stepped back. He tried to shake it off and told himself she he wasn't there. Of course she wasn't there. She was dead. So he retreated back into his shell, banked his anger and agreed to fly Romo out to Colonial One.

* * *

><p>The aborted flight, the bomb scare, yet another dressing down by his father about his lack of responsibility and worse, his inability to come to terms with his loss, just kept adding more fuel to the fire. Lee had never felt so angry in his life. He was so tightly coiled he was sure the slightest provocation would set him off. He was actually a little scared of what he might do if that happened.<p>

_"Well now THAT'S something I'd really like to see. Lee Adama in a full-on rage. I wonder what that's going to be like. The uptight Major finally gets that stick out of his ass and goes ballistic. Maybe I can sell tickets."_

Hearing her the second time around was not as startling, but just as disconcerting. Maybe he was going crazy. There was no other explanation for it.

Standing outside Romo's quarters, he glanced up and down the walkway and sure enough, there was no one there except the marines. He couldn't bring himself to ask them if they had heard her too, because well, she wasn't there. She was just a figment of his tired mind.

* * *

><p>At Romo's insistence, Lee arranged for them to visit the Cylon prisoner in her cell. Lee leaned back against the hatch, hands in his pockets, trying to stay in the background and feign disinterest in the lawyer's attempts to draw the Six out.<p>

"I loved a woman. Beautiful, beautiful woman." Romo started. Lee clenched his teeth and stayed still.

"But so serious. This frowning face trapped in the middle of a daisy. She had a way of walking. Processional. As if she were on her way to her own execution." Lee stared at Romo as the words sunk in. Is that what Kara had been doing? Had she known she was going to die?

Romo droned on and Lee had to lean in to hear him. "We had ten years. Then it fell apart under its own weight. I thought if I could get over her, I could get over anything. I could endure, conquer, be a man. Stand up to any and all kind of punishment."

Lee could feel his throat closing up. He was going to lose it, right here in this cell with his father and the president watching. He clenched his fists and stared at the ground.

"I clung to an empty, spinning bed for months. And that? That is when I finally realized how much I loved her. If I needed all that strength, what was the point? I needed to be with her."

Lee closed his eyes and tried to shut his brain. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want to be here. He knew what Romo was doing, but the part of him that he kept under lock and key, the part no one touched …

_"Except me. Right, Lee? I touched that part of you, didn't I?"_

Oh gods, he was going to be sick. He opened his eyes, trying to focus on what was happening in the room. He kept telling himself she wasn't really there. Kept repeating it over and over again.

He watched as Romo gave Six Gaius' pen, briefly wondering how the heck he had managed to take it away from Baltar. Then Romo started to speak again, "He wanted you to have it because without you it has no meaning. He wants you to have it because he would do anything – anything – to be with you again."

Yes.

Lee would do anything to be with Kara again. At least to see her once more, to explain, to apologize, to … Romo's voice broke through his thoughts, "Does your love hurt as much as mine?"

Lee let out a small sob and had to check himself. "YES!" he wanted to shout. It hurt. It hurt so much he didn't know if he could survive another day, another minute. He looked up, trying to calm himself down and that's when he saw her.

It took every single cell in Lee's body not to react. The military training that had taught him not to panic in the face of danger kicked into high gear. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. She was standing across from him, wearing – of all things – the dress she wore on Colonial Day. She looked exactly like she had that night, bare in all the right places, curves hugged tight and accentuated with filmy green strips of fabric. She smiled, winked and gave him a little wave.

Lee willed himself to snap out of whatever this was. He tried to reason with himself. She was there because he was tired and stressed. He was seeing her because Romo's words had conjured up images of the first time he had, for at least a few moments, given in to his attraction and let down his guard. He cast his head down, closed his eyes and willed her to please, please go away.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, sitting in the rec room with Romo, he decided to give himself a break and get good and drunk. Maybe it would help him sleep.<p>

"Everybody has their demons," Romo said as they sat there and talked about the case.

"You have _no_ idea," thought Lee, and reached over for the bowl of algae snacks on the table.

_"You know, those look like the candy, but they really taste like crap."_

Lee fought hard to ignore her. He wasn't going to acknowledge her presence, at least not in front of Romo. This was one demon he was going to exorcise in private.

_"Hmm … sounds kinky. What exactly are you planning on doing with me Lee?"_

He started thinking that he would do anything to make her go away because really, he didn't know if he could handle the ghost of Kara in the middle of this mess. Romo was still talking - something about his grandfather - but Lee was only half listening, pleading with the gods to help him keep his sanity intact.

She chuckled_. "What? Lee Adama, praying to the gods? I thought you didn't believe in them."_

Romo was walking out the door and Lee had to know if the story about the woman was true and if Romo really understood what it felt like to be so deeply in love with someone and then lose her. At Romo's acknowledgement, Lee bowed his head and once again, pushed down the myriad of feelings and reminded himself of his job, his duty, and his responsibilities.

Kara was gone by the time he threw back the last of his drink.

* * *

><p>The next few hours were all jumbled together as everyone scrambled to find out who tried to kill Romo. Lee didn't have time to worry about his hallucination and was busy with increasing the security detail and leading the investigation. Kara's ghost – or whatever it was – kept dogging him. She was everywhere. She stood in corners, leaned against tables, made snide comments and rolled her eyes at him as he struggled through the chaos.<p>

Standing at Romo's hospital bed, Lee steadfastly refused to look at Kara's languid form lounging on the chair beside the bed. They went through the items Romo had stolen and Lee felt like he was punched in the gut when Romo told him that he hadn't taken anything from Lee because he'd had enough stolen from him. He took a step back and made his exit, the ghost of Kara on his tail.

_"Lee. Hey. Wait up. I just want to say … I … Romo has a point. You HAVE had a lot taken from you. I … I get that."_

Lee stopped in his tracks and looked back at her. He opened his mouth to respond and decided against it. No use trying to give this … _thing_ … more life by actually talking to it … her … whatever.

Plus, he had an investigation to conclude, reports to write and meetings to attend. He didn't have time for this. He didn't have time to go bat shit crazy.

* * *

><p>The Admiral was reinstating him as CAG and for the first time in a long while, Lee bucked at the command. The emptiness he had felt since the day of the accident had grown into a dark pool of dread inside him and keeping his mind on the case was the only thing that kept him going.<p>

Of course, his father argued with him and of course, the meeting ended badly. Kara's ghost had been standing behind the Admiral the entire time and Lee found it hard to concentrate. When his father stormed out, she made her way around the desk and leaned on it, facing Lee.

_"The old man has a point. Since when are you a lawyer Lee? You're a pilot. You belong in the sky."_

"No I don't," he thought. He still refused to talk to her and validate her existence, but he wanted to scream and get her to understand that without her beside him, he had no business flying; that he didn't want to fly unless she could be on his six, chattering away on the comms, goading him and coaxing him into retina detaching maneuvers just for the fun of it.

The sky had lost its charm because she was no longer in it.

There was no Apollo without Starbuck.

So he left and headed back to quarters, changed out of his duty blues and walked over to the memorial hallway. It was time. He had to get rid of her and this seemed as good a way as any. He took the picture out of his pocket, gave it one last loving caress and pinned it next to Kat's.

He was done. He was free.

_"Hate to break it to you flyboy, but I'm still here."_

* * *

><p>Life went on as before except now, he had his own private escort everywhere he went. It took serious effort not to say anything to her, not to rise to her jibes and snide remarks. He was even more tightly wound than before and his sleeping had become more erratic. Someone commented that he looked like death warmed over, but Lee was so out of it, he wasn't sure if it was his own personal phantom who made the comment or a live human being, so he let it go.<p>

He put all his effort into the case. He read through the documents, argued with Romo, sat through excruciating talks with Baltar where he had to physically restrain himself from choking the bastard and plodded along.

The strain was getting to him. He was tired and cranky and snapped at anyone and everyone.

_"I'm starting to get really tired of this new and improved Lee Adama. What the frak is up with you? You're the one who chose to do this. YOU'RE the one who wanted to help this frakker get a fair trial, so what's with the pissy attitude?"_

She wasn't helping.

* * *

><p>The date of the trial approached and Lee sat on the defense side, listening to the prosecutor talk about measuring loss in the faces of the people that were no longer there. The irony was that the one person he measured <em>his<em> loss against was perched up on the judges' table right in front of him, blocking his view. She had an intense look on her face, frowning as the prosecutor made her case.

Lee wanted to scream.

Romo's response finally dragged Lee's attention away from Kara. He grudgingly admitted to himself that he really admired the way Romo played the game. It truly was his calling.

_"Huh. Yeah, I can see why you would like him. I mean, he clearly has no morals and is a bit murky on the ethics, but he certainly knows how to grab everyone's attention. You know Lee, I think you secretly like people who buck authority in general because you WANT to be like them. You want to be able to do what Romo's doing. It's just that you can't let go of that rulebook you've got shoved up your ass."_

She was now standing behind Lee, whispering in his ear and it was distracting. He almost tripped up and told her he thought it was a stick up his ass and not a rulebook, when he realized where he was and stopped himself. He let out an exasperated sigh and using every ounce of mental energy he had left, willed her to go away.

* * *

><p>After another long and exhausting day, Lee was back in quarters, grateful that Dee was on shift and he didn't have to deal with her passive support. It was getting harder to pretend that everything was all right and Lee just wanted some time to himself. He flopped down on his bed and tried to get some sleep when he heard her.<p>

_"Well THAT was a fun day. I mean … wow. Who'd have thought that YOU of all people, would actually begin to care about Gaius Baltar's predicament?"_

Gods!

Why wouldn't she leave? What in all Hades was she doing here any way? And why couldn't he get rid of her?

_"I don't understand why I'm here either Lee. And dressed up in this ridiculous thing. But the fact is I AM here and ignoring me isn't going to make me go away. In fact …"_

Lee felt her sit on the bed next to him.

_"… it's going to make me want to misbehave and you know that's the one thing I'm really good at - messing with superior assholes and all that."_

Lee laughed, "Well, everyone has a skill."

And there it was. Finally, with that one sentence, that one response, Lee found himself acknowledging her presence. He closed his eyes and thought about what he'd just done. Then he realized, maybe it was better to just talk to her than to try and get rid of her. Clearly, he hadn't succeeded in the latter, so he might as well indulge in the former.

He sat up and smiled as she scooted around and leaned back against the wall.

"So what's with the dress any way?"

_"I don't know. This is just what I'm wearing, except mine was blue and this is green. Maybe it's because you really liked seeing me in it?"_ She winked.

"I thought seeing you in a dress was a once in a lifetime opportunity."

_"Well gods Lee! I didn't think I was going to die and come back to haunt you wearing it when I said that."_

He bowed his head and sighed. "Yeah. I didn't think you were going to die either." He looked up and saw the soft look on her face but he wasn't ready to deal with that yet, so he smiled and said, "but I'm not surprised you're haunting me."

She threw her head back and laughed. He'd missed that sound.

_"Yeah, that must really suck for you, huh?"_

"Nah. I can handle you, Starbuck."

_"Oh yeah? Since when?"_

And then they just went back to their old rhythm of bantering back and forth. They started talking about everything and nothing. Bringing up old memories of warm summer days at the beach and pub-crawls through Caprica, dragging Zak's drunken ass home because he couldn't keep up with them.

_"Remember that night during summer solstice?"_

"The night we almost got arrested? Yeah, I remember."

_"Hey, it wasn't my fault your brother decided to throw up on the staff sergeant's shoes!"_

"No, but it was your fault for daring him to drink that last round of shots!"

Kara blushed and smiled. _"Yeah, well Zak was a light weight."_

"He was. He did it to impress you though, you know that, right?"

_"Yeah."_

He looked at her face lost in thought and decided he didn't want to drag them down that road.

"Nothing beats the trip up to the cabin though."

She smiled and nodded, _"The one where we all got poison ivy? Gods, I thought I'd never stop itching!"_

"Hey, you weren't the one who had to go back to base the next day in full dress uniform! That thing chafed!"

They continued chatting for what felt like hours. She tried to bring him around to talk about the accident, but he kept waving it off and changing the subject, so she dropped it and they concentrated on other things. He began to nod off, and somewhere in the middle of one of Kara's tall tales he fell asleep.

Lee woke up disoriented and confused but feeling lighter than he had in weeks. He looked around his quarters and couldn't help being a little disappointed that Kara wasn't there.

He'd missed his best friend.

* * *

><p>The trial got progressively more antagonistic. Tigh's testimony was hard to watch. As much as Lee hated the man, he couldn't help feeling sorry for him and found a strange camaraderie when Romo started questioning him about Ellen. Ellen Tigh might've been an unfaithful lush, but the Colonel's love for her was palpable and Lee looked away when Tigh finally lost it on the stand.<p>

_"Come on Lee. He's an asshole. Don't pretend you really care about him."_

"I'm not pretending!" Lee hissed, and then blushed as both Gaius and Romo turned to look at him. He shrugged and went back to reading his notes, but he could feel Gaius' eyes on him.

"What?" He snapped at Baltar.

"Nothing."

* * *

><p>Lee hadn't expected the vitriol his father directed at him. Calling him a liar and a coward, accusing him of taking sides with strangers and getting his loyalties mixed up and finally, questioning Lee's honor and integrity. Admiral Adama was nothing if not single minded, with clearly drawn lines of loyalty, and this would be the greatest betrayal of all; Lee abandoning <em>his <em>loyalty to his father, the president and the military. It was the proverbial last straw.

Walking out of the Admiral's office, one set of wings short, he felt drained. He felt even emptier than before. There was now nothing left for him to do, no one left for him to be.

If he wasn't a pilot, then what was he? Who was he? Was he just another hollow shell of a man hanging on to his sanity, trying to survive in a world with no purpose except survival?

He felt the world closing in on him. What had he done? What was he going to do now?

_"You can do whatever you want to do Lee."_

He stopped and turned to look at her. "Yeah? And what's that Kara? Spend my days as Romo's side kick defending every dirt bag that comes around and get my kicks out of hanging out with the ghost of a woman I killed?" It was the first time he said it out loud, admitted that he blamed himself for her death.

_"No Lee, that's not …"_

Lee interrupted and got in her face, heedless of the sidelong glances he was getting from the marine stationed outside his father's quarters.

"And where the FRAK where you just now, huh Kara? Where were you when my father – MY FATHER – was calling me names and dragging me through the mud?" He glared at her and ignored the shocked look on her face. "You weren't there. Of course you weren't there. You NEVER ARE. You're NEVER where I need you to be. NEVER."

Kara was livid. She took a step closer to him, invading his personal space_, _

_"Listen to me you frakker, I wasn't there because you didn't WANT me to be there. It's not like I can control when I come and go Lee. You're doing this. YOU. You're the one who sees me when YOU want. I have no say in it. Believe me, if I did, you would be the LAST person I'd want to hang around, what with that sunny disposition. So don't you go blaming me for …"_

But he didn't let her finish. He held up his hand to stop her and walked away, knowing she wasn't going to follow.

* * *

><p>In the history of all the crappy days in his life, this one took the cake. Discrediting the president on the stand, getting her to admit that her cancer had returned, and then walking in to find his wife packing up to leave him? Yes. It was one helluva bad day.<p>

To top it off, Kara was back. She wasn't talking to him, but she was watching. She'd been there at the trial, brows furrowed, hands crossed over her chest, looking at him with her steely gaze. And now, in his quarters, while Dee accused him of defending a broken system, there she was, leaning against the hatch watching his marriage fall apart.

Lee made one last plea, "Dee … I wish … I wish I could make you understand."

Dee looked up, her eyes full of sadness, "I_ do_ understand Lee. I understand everything. Even things _you_ don't. I get that you're grieving. No, actually, that you're not_ allowing _yourself to grieve and that this … all of this … " she motioned at the paper work strewn across the table, "is an attempt to make sense of what happened to _her._"

Kara stood up straight at that comment and took a step forward.

"But she's gone Lee and she's not coming back."

_"I wish,"_ Kara snorted.

"I don't know what else to do Lee. I've tried. I've tried to be there for you. Worked through all the sleepless nights and the nightmares; your screaming out her name. I've tried to sit back and remind myself of all the reasons I fell in with you; your strength, your beliefs, your ideals, your … faith in humanity. But I can't stand by any more and watch you throw everything away because you just don't want to _deal_ with the fact that she's gone. She's GONE, Lee."

Lee moved closer, "No Dee, that's not it. This isn't about Kara …"

Backing out of his reach, Dee snapped her bag shut and smiled sadly. "Yes it is Lee. And the sooner you admit it, the better off you'll be. Maybe you can salvage something of who you used to be. I do understand Lee. I understand too well. That's why I'm leaving." And with that, she was gone.

Lee turned to face Kara who'd sat down on the couch, frowning.

"Happy now Kara? Are you FRAKKING HAPPY?" He screamed.

Kara's head snapped up, her cheeks flushed with anger. She stood up and clenched her fists.

_"What the hell does that mean Lee? Are you going to stand here and blame me for this? For your wife - YOUR wife - leaving you?"_

"Well, you heard what she said, didn't you? She thinks it's about you. IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU. It frakking is ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU." He turned around and without warning, shoved everything off the desk and stared as the dish of algae treats smashed to smithereens.

_"Okay Lee, you know what? You can sit here and blame me for this, but the truth is that losing me might've been the best thing that ever happened to you. Oh don't look at me like that! Ever stop to think that maybe my dying was what you needed to jolt you out of a life you didn't want? So if you wan to sit here and dole out blame, feel free. But I'm not going to hang around and watch you push it off on me."_

Lee laughed bitterly, "I thought you were at my beck and call Kara. I thought you came when I needed you. But that's a lie, isn't it Kara? You come and go as you please. Just like you always did."

He bent down to pick up the papers off the ground, expecting a biting comeback, actually itching for a fight, but when he looked up, she was gone.

* * *

><p>"Come back! You come back! Kara! NOOOOO!"<p>

Lee bolted upright, sweat soaked and shaking. It was still the same dream … the same nightmare: Kara's viper exploding in front of his eyes and his desperate screams pleading her to come back to him.

"Just let me go." was the last thing she'd said.

He ran a shaking hand through his hair trying to compose himself. For a brief second, he half expected Dee to reach up and rub his back, trying to calm him down and then he remembered she wasn't there. She'd left him. She'd left and then he'd gotten into a fight with the phantom Kara and finally, in complete and utter exhaustion had passed out. This was what his life had been reduced to: a lonely existence bereft of anyone and everyone he'd cared about.

He laid back down and tried to go to sleep. Baltar's final court appearance was in a few hours and Lee had to be focused and sharp. He needed to rest, but as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw the explosion. He was tangled up in his sheets, tossing and turning trying to shut down his brain.

_"Hey … hey. Calm down."_

She was back. Kara was back and reaching over to smooth out his hair. He could feel her weight on the bed next to him. Lee groaned and backed away from her touch, burying his face in his pillow. "Go away Kara. Just … please. Leave me alone."

_"You are alone Lee. I'm not really here remember? I'm just a figment of your imagination. Pretty frakked up, if you ask me. I mean, of all the things you could imagine, you picked me so like I said before, this must REALLY suck for you."_ She chuckled, but didn't get up and reached out to him again.

"Funny. You're funny, Thrace. Just a regular frakking comedian," he said, exasperated.

_"Yeah, I'm a crack up. Now how about you just close your eyes and rest?"_

"Yeah well I'm trying, okay? It just … I can't …"

_"Stop thinking so much and give yourself a break. It's going to be all right."_

"No. No, it's not going to be all right Kara. It's never going to be all right again. Never. Don't you get it?" He asked, frustrated.

He sighed and looked up at his personal demon. She really didn't get it. She didn't get that her very presence was painful. Seeing her like this, day in and day out was torture. Seeing her and knowing she wasn't real broke his heart over and over again.

He let out a shaking breath and turning away, whispered, "It was my fault. I pushed you. I made you fly that day. If I hadn't …"

_"Shhh. I know. I know, Lee. It's going to be okay. I promise. Just close your eyes."_

"NO!" He yelled, snapping back up to glare at her. "No … damn it Kara, don't you see? I … I did this. I killed you."

_"Lee. LEE! Listen to me. It wasn't your fault! Do you hear me? IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT."_

Lee looked away shaking his head in denial. "No. No, if I had just listened to you, if I had seen … if I had just TALKED to you and found out what you …" his heart started pounding in his chest. Gasping for breath, he tried to stand up and move away from her. The world spun and he sat back down. He felt like throwing up.

_"Lee. You have to stop this. You're going to have a panic attack."_

Lee started shivering, cold sweat breaking across his brow. Gods, he couldn't breathe. He needed air. He needed to … he needed to …

_"LEE! Will you STOP?"_

He snapped his head around and looked at her again. That annoyed frown was back on her face. He tried to focus on her eyes. Reaching out, he touched her cheek. It was the first time he'd actually touched her and gods, she felt so real.

"I … I … can't. Kara … please. Just … go. _Please?_" he begged, his eyes beginning to sting.

She leaned in and put her arms around him. He let out a small whimper and turning, buried his face in her hair. He tried to gulp in some air and got a mouthful of blonde hair.

_"Come on Lee. Let it go."_

He started to push her away, but it seemed as though Kara's phantom had the same iron grip that her living counterpart had had. She held on tight and started rubbing his back.

_"It's okay. It's okay."_

Lee felt like he was floating. The buzzing in his ears got louder and he started seeing spots in front of his eyes. He had lost everything, everyone - his father, the president, his job, his wife … and _her._

Maybe this was it.

Maybe it was all just finally catching up with him and he was dying.

_"You're not dying, you moron. Just calm down and BREATHE."_

Her teasing did the trick and Lee started laughing, filling his lungs with air. Minutes ticked by and his head started to clear. His chuckles turned into hysterical wails, gaining momentum until they were heaving sobs.

"I miss you. Gods Kara, I just miss you so damn much." He clutched at her and held on as the tears began to flow.

Sixty-three days after Kara's viper exploded, Lee Adama finally gave in to his grief and wept.


End file.
